If I could sit down and visit with my younger, teenage self, I would let her know that it is okay to be completely honest with God and others. I would tell her that no, life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. That it does get ugly and there are times when you will need to yell and cry out in anguish to God. I would hold her and let her know that she doesn’t always have to put on an act because everyone is watching and expecting her to be the perfect christian. The truth is what God wants from us. He already knows our darkest secrets, our regrets, and our mistakes. He knows our thoughts and our desires.
Growing up in a christian home was a blessing, but growing up in a spot lighted preacher’s house wasn’t always. My parents were amazing and they did a great job at teaching my brother and I God’s word. I remember the many bible bedtime stories my dad would tell when I was small. I still recite the scriptures my mom kept in the clear box on the breakfast table. My dad pastored a large baptist church for most of my childhood, taught bible studies at the nursing homes, and took us to many pastoral functions. My mom taught G.A.s, played piano at the nursing homes, and had me singing specials in church by the time I turned 5. So, my childhood wasn’t dysfunctional. It wasn’t until my mid teenage years satan started reeking chaos. I learned very quickly how to put on a mask. I masked my anxieties, anger, and depression. I could turn it on and off like a light. I would push the toxic thoughts and lies of satan back while in public, but as soon as I was alone there they were to face. I would lock myself in my bathroom sometimes and allow myself to say all of those lies to my reflection in the mirror. I did not see myself the way God saw me. Not as His masterpiece. My self hatred started leaking out slowly through a hidden eating disorder. I knew better to skip meals at home, but I started associating myself with others who had similar toxic behaviors, so it was easy to do away from family. I also suffered from high anxiety that often led to panic attacks. I thought I had to meet certain expectations at school, with friends, and my family. I also thought this of God. I think I hit an all time low when I decided to lock myself in my bathroom and overdose on pills. The whispers of satan of how it would make my family see me, maybe finally someone would miss me, that I would never be loved, that I wasn’t as smart or as pretty as other popular girls, that the stress of my dad’s job and rebellion of my brother was going to kill my dad… Thankfully, my mom scared me to my senses. She didn’t know what I had done, but I ended up throwing the pills up. Trust me my parents did get me help from a christian counselor, and she did help me. However, it wasn’t until years later during my freshman year of college that I got so extremely desperate for God. I remember the day so well. It was January of 2000 on a Tuesday night at ETBU. Every Tuesday night we would have a worship service led by college students. I had not made it a goal to attend, but the Holy Spirit kept drawing me there. You see I was a child of God. I had been saved, but I was enslaved by sin and satan’s lies. At one point during the service I couldn’t hold back any more. I ran to the altar and fell face down on the floor. Crying out to God, I surrendered. I didn’t care who saw me. The mask was off. I needed a break through. I desperately needed my Savior. It was just like Mary with her alabaster box. I wanted to pour everything out at Jesus’s feet. I wanted to wipe them with my tears and dry them with my hair. I call that moment my Ebenezer. The moment I knew God for who He truly is, and reminded me of who I truly was~His child. I was beautiful and magnificent through Him. There were no unrealistic expectations, no pressure, or any hidden agenda. He just wanted me to be completely real and raw. All my imperfections were perfected in the eyes of my beholder. It was then I started seeking God daily.
So, if I had the chance of holding and comforting my younger self, I would remind her of a God who loves her imperfections and sees her no matter where she tries to hide. He wants to be the lover of her soul. He desires an abundant life for her. So, younger me out there that might be dealing with similar struggles; let go and let God.
Ephesians 2:10 in the Bible says, “For we are God’s masterpiece”. The verse continues, “He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago”.
